Relationship Problems… Do I really need to leave?

Relationship Problems… Do I really need to leave?relationship issues do i need to leave?

A lot of the sessions I share with people predominantly revolve around relationship issues.

One of the common issues I get asked often is, “Can you help me with my relationship problems?”

It is for some, particularly women the major focus of their lives, apart from children and work.

There are many times in the course of relating and intimacy that we become confused within ourselves as to what we are really feeling, if anything at all.

We either over react emotionally or or we go numb, or neglect the issues as we often seek to stay in control afraid to actually really honestly share what is arising.

The conditioning that society has put into most of us is to either reject the other person’s experience as it is not the same as our own, which often means blame, complaint, judgement or all ensue. Rather than staying open to your partner’s experience and allowing then to be as they are even if it does not “agree” with your own position.

On the other hand we can overcompensate and try to help our partner’s to the extent that they feel like you are trying to fix them, which denotes they are not a good person and truly must change before they can be loved. This too sets up a dynamic that may breed resentment if the partner you are with does not actually want to change, let alone feeling forced too.

There are subtleties in all relationships and most of us have not even developed the skills yet to truly discover our own needs authentically, let alone communicate them openly.

Our schooling and general ‘life education’ has just formed a lot of people that are good at thinking in their heads and yet totally disconnected from their hearts and feelings. Thus, when it comes to really being intimate most of us are actually in a process of reacting rather than truly relating. When this happens we start to feel very confused in our relationships and of course the idea arises that perhaps this partner is not for you after all and that you may need to leave to become happy with another.

This goes a lot deeper than most of us
are prepared to look at.

Most people are in a process of reacting, and in trying to stay in control the idea to leave is just another symptom of the reaction. This ‘idea to leave’ is the avoidance of the situation and really dealing with and feeling into the issues that are arising.

We would prefer and find it easier to blame the other partner for our failed lack of connection than to actually really look deeply within ourselves to see if any of those issues are actually arising from our own unconscious and shut down behaviors. This conditioning also means we avoid being vulnerable and fragile whilst allowing ourselves to be truly seen by the other, no matter how awkward, or painful, or embarrassing, or terrifying, or out of control you feel in the process of sharing your absolute truth. Not the version of what you think the truth is.

Trust me if there is blame or complaint or judgement towards your partner, and you feel that he/she is the sole issue that has caused your relationship to fail and you are constantly feeling resentment and frustration within the environment whilst holding onto the issues, you are most definitely in a process of reaction. Ultimately you have not yet taken responsibility for your own issues in this journey.

If you think that leaving will make it all better then well I am here to help you realise that actually this will not make the future any better. In fact the same pattern will be repeated again with another as the underlying conditioning will still be within you. If you cannot open with your current partner what makes you think that you will be more successful opening with another? Yes, reflect on that for a while.

How many times have you have moved from one relationship to another only feeling like you are repeating the same old story and no closer to really feeling the deep intimacy you yearn for underneath?

Most of us experience deep fear of truly allowing another to get close to us, to the point that their is no separation, no secrets, no hiding, no holding onto your inner dialogue and then secretly blaming the other for your unhappiness without even sharing out loud what the issues are. If you are sharing the issues, are they being shared within an environment of openness or are you just shouting or nagging or complaining at your partner, talking over the top them? Then are you talking to every one else about those same issues, but most of all not even including your partner? Are you at all directly sharing the issues without creating drama and choosing to fight because you are too scared to really be that vulnerable and cry instead of reacting and showing anger as your first line of defence?

Yes, anger is always defence.

In a life or death situation I understand the we need this defence system, however in relationships it is abusive and unhealthy and does not help the two of you to resolve your issues. You will only create psychic bruises, and create even more resentment and distance between you and the one you supposedly love.

So reaction, be honest now, can you see yourself still in “control” mode, trying to fix or reject or ignore or blame? I so I urge you to stop and really soften in yourself and take care to really look for yourself first into what you are really feeling.

Ask yourself these questions:

  • Underneath all of this what I am really feeling?
  • What is under my anger?
  • What is under my complaint?
  • Why I am going numb or trying to run away?

First, look at your own issues and really directly experience for yourself what you are actually experiencing, not what you think you are experiencing.

They are two very different things. One is the direct experience of yourself you are not trying to run away from. You are actually willing to be present and responsible in you and for you so you may actually get clarity and really see what is going on for yourself. This is the absence of control. It is just plain and simple honesty without expectations. You are not meant to get a perfect score, and their nothing to live up to, it is just you being with you, warts and all… bare, open, gutsy, real, courageous, you are the truth seeker.

Only in experiencing the moment of openness that will set yourself free from whatever “it” is to move and flow again to new level of creativity.

If you shut down to the moment, then you will be stuck there until you get real and accept just what is.

It is about living in the now, not what you “think” now is.

I don’t know how many people I have seen that really are just trying to run away from their relationships because they are truly too scared to just show up, be present and really accept themselves in their direct experience of the moment. Most of us want what we want and if it is not going the way we expect and we are uncomfortable we get angry, or depressed and then demand that it change to be better, then if that doesn’t work we blame.

The next step is to leave so we can avoid looking at all, believing we are justified in leaving because it was the other’s fault without even first really getting real with our selves.

We leave our relationships to escape having to look at ourselves.

We leave believing it will fix our issues, only to be left unresolved, no clearer, or better off, often times there is regret because we have not been totally in the moment and we are still holding on to our issues when we leave. In doing so we are actually burdened with the psychic and behavioural patterns that we then drag along with us to our next relationship hoping our next partner will be better. Only to drag out again our old behaviours unconsciously whilst starting to feel not happy again, because your new partner also doesn’t treat you the way you expect. Sound even vaguely familiar? If so then it is an obvious pattern of not being available in yourself to the true sense of intimacy that you yearn for.

Being in relationship is not the fairy tale story you have been sold by Walt Disney and “Big Media”.

Modern fairy tale stories have a lot to answer for for the misery created via cultural myths that no one can ever essentially experience. We are set up with core ideas believing there is a perfect man or woman who will come into my life, sweep me off my feet and be perfectly charming all of time whilst making me happy 24/7 no exceptions. That man or woman will always meet my needs and we will never ever experience anything uncomfortable ever and if we do it means something is wrong with either me or him/her and we must fix or change it to make it better.

It really does sound too good to be true doesn’t it? Well, it is!

Wake up, relationships are where we evolve. Intimacy takes true guts, grit and courage to show up day in and day out to keep being present with ALL the issues whether comfortable and uncomfortable and never waivering from the truth for a minute, always being open and transparent even if it is incredible difficult to face these issues. Doing so with a humility, where you are always willing the LISTEN first, then respond not react and keep sharing until we get to the bottom and totally let go of all we have been holding on to.

When we do we find space again, and with each other the connection deepens. As you deepened together, finding more of each other, moment to moment, traversing unfathomable seas that mean you face the unknown over and over again, but you face it together, truly together, in togetherness, where you are willing explorers even if it means finding something you don’t like.

You keep open so in fact it may even evolve to the point to where even that shifts and something else arises that is even better than you could imagine simply because your were available to love. Love then expresses itself in ways that you cannot predict. Love is pain and suffering, and without judgement it deepens even the most rocky of relationships and creates such a bond that it brings you closer than before.

Sharing is closeness, is love. Shutting down is separation and you expect happiness in that behaviour?

Come on, how is that possible when we are suffocating each other with our defence mechanisms and not letting each other IN. If we keep everyone OUT, how can we experience LOVE? We can’t it is not possible.

So be honest, are you arrogant and sabotaging your relationship because you truly do not know how to open yet?

Truth is when you are so open in your relationship and share it all, you will find that such a clarity arises that it just becomes so obvious that you need to leave. It is however recognised from a place of love and compassion from just simply realising that you are two human beings now on a different path.

There is no judgement, there is no one to blame, it just is the way it is. Yes, it may be painful, very painful to let go, but you just “know” it is time. It comes from a naturalness, an organic place within you that just sees so clearly that your flow is asking you to move on. In the leaving there can be great love, acknowledgement, thanks, and even compassion and apologies for you may realise that your behaviour contributed to many parts of the relationship journey. However, you know no one is right or wrong, there is no stance. It is just you, being you, feeling your heart and being honest, realising no one is holding you there, you are responsible for yourself and you can JUST leave, with grace, integrity and dignity.

This is not escapism, you are not running away in fear, you are just simply allowing a new level of reality to emerge as your heart is calling you, let go and flow.

The feeling of each kind of leaving is quite distinctly different.

One is resolution that comes from openness and feels healthy and empowering for both. The other is just a tornado walking out the door only ready to wreak havoc on another part of world again at a later date. It is totally unconscious and selfish as there is only the “I” saying my relationship didn’t work because it was my partner’s fault.

You leave broken, or bitter or twisted, rather than clear and expanded and open to the new reality of seeing a new destiny on the horizon. You are ready for a new adventure, one that includes all the wisdom and experience that the last relationship loving gave you because you were so total that you learned every step of the way.

In this “lighter” more enlightened place you create a more expanded reality simply because you have grown and you can now see more on the horizon as a result. This other is stingy and limited and believes it is up to someone else to make me happy and if I just go and get another relationship I am sure I can make it work this time. However your view is so limited still you cannot even see what is under your nose. How can you create something new? You are not even in the NOW, and being present with what it(the NOW) is yet.

Remember your reality, including your relationship is your creation, totally. You have created this reality to the point that every fine detail is in response to you, how you see you, see the world, how you relate on every level.

Ask yourself:

  • “Am I aware if my heart is truly open?”
  • “Do I really know what love is?”
  • “Can I feel that within myself?”
  • “Do I even know when I am open or closed?”
  • “Do I depend on others to make me happy?”

The question is “Do you really need to leave your relationship?”

Or do you really need to start to show up? When we truly do show up, yes it uncomfortable as you must face your issues, however it is healing, deeply insightful, empowering and will always ultimately lead your to maximum potential as life truly wants us to be all we can be, but first you must be present before the “truth” can even be experienced.

Try it, just one day, sit down and talk to your partner really talk. If you hit a brick wall, accept it, feel it, yes it hurts, what do you see and feel and experience in that, don’t blame, run away, shut down, just be.

The amazing thing when you don’t react it will actually give space for you partner to start expressing him/herself too. It may take time, but if you are in your heart they will feel it, they will be more likely to let their guard down too and finally soften and take a step closer to you too rather than away from you.

Love is always an invitation, it is NEVER a threat or demand.

If you love someone completely and they are not able be their for you, then you realise there is no less love as you still have you, and where ever you go you can be with yourself and stay open, and you can just simply move and flow to be with someone more open such as yourself. It is that simple.

This no war in love. Their is no fight in love. Their is no ME is love. There are two human beings, needing to just firstly love and support themselves and then secondly sharing that with each other. We have ups and downs, yes, but there will be expression of support, sometimes independence as we work through our own issues, sometimes we go together but there is always space to listen and respond. If we separate we leave with respect and we do not need to fight over the remains.

Haven’t we given enough time and energy away to vultures who prey on our unconsciousness? They are hired assassins just awaiting to your finish off what you started but did not have the courage to finish.

Truth is love. Love is Truth. In truth their is no holding, in truth their is no fight for who is their to fight with. For you only fight yourself because you were never willing to listen in the first place. You fight your own shadow and will forever do so until you are willing to bring all to the light.

May the truth truly light your way.
For in it you will find Love.
Let it be love that you truly seek. It honors us all.

 

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